Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Take my arms that I might reach you

I'm feeling very uninspired lately.  The woman who wanted to be alone all the time is now finally sick of her own company I guess.  Insecurity has struck again, hard.  I'm not sure why.  (mental note to self: good topic to bring up to therapist.)  Everyone has their personal doubts of course, but I seem to go through these phases where I require this excessive amount of positive reinforcement or feedback.

I think the best way I can describe it is that I feel mentally and emotionally empty, or lonely, and with all the changes in my life lately I don't know how to fill it.  The things that used to no longer can, or I can't let them and that makes me sad and frustrated.

Maybe there's too much surrounding me that nothing penetrates deep enough; like a smidge of mothering here, part-time work, a short story or a poem jotted down there, get a few pages of the book read… there's been little time for any intimacy certainly (and I don't necessarily mean that solely in a physical sense) and that doesn't help—all this personal satisfaction trying to be squeezed in between soccer, gymnastics, feeding people and screaming about homework.  I haven't had much time for friends, something I am really craving and needing.  

Perhaps I need to start by pruning back some of the excess and spending time with people I love.  It's hard when many of them don't live close by though.  I'd like to grow closer to people here in town, but everyone is so busy.  I have such a good life, yet I still want that sitcom scene where your kitchen is clean, and your best friend comes over for coffee in the morning and you talk, laugh, and commiserate together.  

There really isn’t much to cut back on, though, save this, which is supposed to be my outlet and my "me" thing, and the writing, which for all intensive purposes seems to suck lately.  I think indifference is worse than a negative response.   At least criticism motivates you to strive harder toward perfection.

As we love to say at work: Whatever.  Gotta go be domestic goddess.


Brain Diva said...

I hear you, and I know the feeling you are talking about. I think that it is good to remind yourself that some people do care, even if they skip out or forget to say they love you. *hugs* Love you. There. :D It makes me feel good too. :)

bee said...

Every few years, our lives need to change. Even if it's just the paint in your living room, or a new career, our eyes and mind need to experience change. Without it, what would be the point of living?

And like Gen said, just know that we all care about you. The west coast always has luv for tootie =D

Giovanna said...

Oh ladies, you make me feel like I was fishing. I know you lurve me.

As for the West Coast Bee, well some of it does.

I had some more insight this evening actually, as to why I feel this way. It isn't necessarily comforting. I'll talk to you at TANC