Thursday, August 11, 2005

Every generation has its own disease...

and this could be mine. *g*

I'm going to be a bit candid here so if it's TMI for those of you, I apologize. You're all people I am comfortable enough to say things like this in front of. I have no trouble with an e-mail that says, "Hey G, I really don't need to know that, alright?" Or, don't read. LOL

If the events of our childhood are at the root of all that ails us emotionally, where is my need for positive reinforcement from? Why did I grow up never wanting to let anyone down- even further; equating disappointment and anger with withdrawal of affection? To the point of developing anxiety over it? Was I over-praised as a child? Was there pressure, however subtle, for me to succeed? Furthermore what have I done to my own kids because of my own failings?

This is where therapy is for the birds, because counselors are so quick to lead you down the path of self-discovery, yet none of them have any answers for you on how to fix it. So because I now know the reasons behind my behaviors I am supposed to now be able to change them? I suppose to some point I have… but Zoloft aside there is no "magic bullet" to make people whole-healthy-productive citizens. I'll take conventional medicine any day. End rant.

I'm just having one of those days where I feel like I can't do anything right, and will never overcome my mistakes. Maybe I'm just ovulating. Pass the Prozac.


Brain Diva said...

As a disclaimer to my comment, I guess I'll probably my bias towards my profession (*grins*), but what the heck... LOL

I think being aware of our failings and weaknesses, whether we discover them in therapy, through the perception others have of us or through introspection, is what ulitimately helps us grow. I don't think there is a quick fix to any long-standing pattern. But I think we need to be aware of them to either a) accept them and be more comfortable with who we are or b) decide we need to change it because it is making us unhappy. Sadly, I don't think there is any quick fix to any of this. I can think of a lot of failings in me that I'm convinced I will struggle with all my life. But I'll still try to overcome them, and try to become the best person I can be. I've been mulling the meaning of life in the last few days (well, you know, the greater meaning), and maybe that is just the answer I was looking for. :)

Brain Diva said...

I just had to add, I don't think this is TMI. I think it's more TMI when it discloses things to do with other people that they might not have wanted disclosed. YMMV.

Oh, and I was also going to say that all my existential musings came from watching the documentary "Guns, Germs, and Steel". I realized that when people had to struggle for survival constantly, they were less existential about their lives. But you know, in Victorian England, for example, when all people seem to do was lounge around, sitting pretty and reading, were they this existential? LOL

G. said...

"I've been mulling the meaning of life in the last few days (well, you know, the greater meaning), and maybe that is just the answer I was looking for. ":)

Glad my angst could provide a service to others. :p

Wasn't "Gun's, Germs, and Steel" a book? Did they turn it into a doc?

I know there is a point to self-awareness. In fact, it was quite funny- no sooner had I posted that I read in one of my many "self-help" books that "insight alone does not heal... behavioral change is a powerful ally." LOL

Some behaviors I have the power within me to change, others I am not so sure.

I <3 U. ;)

Write me at work I am bored!

too lazy to log in G.

MK said...

Have you ever mediatated? Has that helped with peace of mind? With twins in my future I am thinking that meditating might help me with controlling my temper and calming my anxiety.

Jobee said...

Hell, it's fun to discover how our parents fucked us up! I am truly amazed when my shrink makes a connection that I never thought of. And to see how it influenced decisions and way of life. And a lot of it is also being able to admit the past pain and hurt - I think this is because TV or society makes it look like we are supposed to have our shit together. Eighteen months of depression (inlcuding something stronger than zoloft)has made me realize how fragile folks are and how close everyone is to losing it. It's better to lose it and know it rather than to pretend to have it together. I think I am much stronger after all of this and don't fear or fret over the future.

All I can say is it takes time. And however you fuck up your kids, they'' figure it out in therapy later.

Jobee said...

PS - Doesn't your shrink make suggestions about behavioral change? Mine does, or at least suggest differnt things. I have an amazing therapist - she's a MSW that deals with families and I think she is more practical and down to earth than a PHD.

Giovanna said...


Coolies, a discussion!

K- I do meditate- not as much as I should or would like to. It does help, as does yoga. I love it. I can't believe you are having beautiful twin babies. :) As miserable as it can get, at the same time it never gets any better. *sigh*

Jobee- I love you too, for your candor. Yeah, I get some suggestions on things to do or ways to look at things but it just seems like it all boils down to, "Don't do that" "Don't feel that way" "Put your energy here". Sure, fine, whatever.

I'm just so sick of therapy because it just takes up so much freaking time, a precious commodity ya know? Not to mention $$ as managed care will only cover so much...

Brain Diva said...

Yeah, they did a 3-hour National Geographic documentary of "Guns, Germs, and Steel". It aired on PBS last month. Dw knew I loved the book so she said she had seen the documentary advertised. It was a great watch.

Well, G., you might need to wind down therapy. Maybe you've got the usefulness you could get from it for now. It might be worth it to discuss it with your therapist.

jobee said...

I don't know how often you go, but I go to the shrink every other week which doesn't seem to interfere with life. Also, have you adjusted the meds lately (look who I'm talking to, ha!)? I found that when I was in my zone phase - there were no highs or lows, just a kind of "maintenance" feel that allowed me to get through the days until things were better. If you are having such lows, might want to consider somehting else.

Also - meditation, self-help book, yoga, running, gym, writing class, kids, job, husband....don't you think you are overdoing it? No one has time for all of this. Simplify baby, simplify. Life is to enjoy, not to jam everything in.